Reason, Season, Lifetime

I once heard someone say that relationships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  That was many years ago.  It was a preacher–of that I am sure (probably TD Jakes).  I  was in my late twenties and just starting to fully understand the nature and importance of healthy relationships.  All these years later, I still view my friendships through this lens.  When a relationship slips outside of the circle wherein I extend my intimate trust to others, I become a forensic investigator.  There has to be a “why.”  Invariably, I find a number of episodes, incidences, or statements that could easily stand as a sufficient reason for the time and energy I spent on and shared with them.  When the color and hardiness dissipates from a once vibrant, robust attachment, I can always point to a shift in my life or a change in either of our circumstances that signaled the fading. Then there are those who wind there way through your heart and infuse themselves into the fabric of your life.  They follow its rhythm–the ebb and flow, up and down–retreating, advancing, or standing still in concert with you as necessary.

In the past, I could only assess the purpose of a relationship in hindsight. I remember a funny moment with someone that I no longer know, or I reflect on a choice where my path diverged from that of someone I once held dear.  At any rate, it was always in retrospect.  As I mature, however, I am learning how to make space for people in my life with wisdom and purpose.  I do this by asking two simple question.

• Where are you? Life can feel like a race to a finish line.  Everyday we wake up and push through the hours just so that we can prepare to do it all over again.  Before long, it can begin to feel like one big ball of survival.  Our need to get through one thing or another keeps us from seeing the grace-moments, the opportunities for subtle shifts, and the possibilities for elevation.  Stop.  Breathe.  Allow the ball of survival to dissolve so that you can see your path.  Learn to get still and ground yourself in your current spiritual longitude and latitude. When you are spiritually acclimated, your next steps can be taken with intent. You can ask for what you need, and in anticipation, make space for the answer.  When people show up, you’ll be better able to identify why they are there. Are they there to meet an immediate need?  Are they there to companion with you through specific parts of your journey? Or are they there as witness to your life-process, encouraging you and challenging you to become the next best version of yourself? When you know where you are it is easier to answer these questions.
• Who are you? Our hair can be such a good representation of our journey.  Over my life, it has changed colors, lengths, textures, and styles hundreds of times. The changes are like bookmarks, noting the opening or closing of a life chapter. These endings and beginnings also marks the possibility for the start of new connections and the resolution of old ones.  When a chapter closes or opens in your life, the atmosphere around you changes.  Issues that once produced heat and emotion may no longer move you.  Fears that once took up significant space in your soul may shrink to manageable sizes. Long avoided question may push forward in a search of answers.  The changes in your atmosphere changes you. And someone who could once breathe around you comfortably may struggle to adjust to the new ambiance.  Be willing to let go, for your sake and for theirs.  Do not throw them away, but allow enough space around you for them to adjust, accept, or reject the change. Whatever they choose: you move forward.

Friendship is complex and dynamic.  It can survive the harshest conditions or be destroyed through passivity and silence.  Sometimes, connections we thought would last forever do not withstand simple changes and people that we discount become a lifeline in trouble. It is not forever defined by where it begins. Choices, vulnerability, and purposeful work can change reasons to season and seasons to lifetimes. Paths can merge for a reason and diverge after a season, and come together again for another season or for a lifetime. Our goal is to always remain open to the gift and grace friendship brings.